First rewrite, Differences of Friends and Lovers

: Please share guidance, and critique at will...I am seeking improvement. BTW : would 'Differences BETWEEN Friends and lovers' be better than the original? : Thanks in advance, : Dan Gray

Make your friends, love your lovers, Let them all hug one another There's no contrast you'll discover 'Til you look beneath the covers You'll be shouting mother-f***er Way big difference between some friends and lovers!

=Bob= bob -at- threestrands -dot- com

Hey there David,

While it's less grammatically dubious, it's also kind of awkward. Maybe lose the plural if you use 'between,' thus 'The Difference Between Friends and Lovers.'

Because you already use 'difference' several times in the song, maybe consider 'You love them each in their own way.'

That makes it a little more personal, precise, and a bit less wishy-washy to me. Unless you were going for the repetition of 'different' and juxtaposing it here against its later usages.... (The one problem becomes that you use a very similar phrase later in the song; see my comment below regarding that.)

'And hope what couldn't be' doesn't really work for me here. There are too many ways to parse it incorrectly, and even when it's interpreted in the way (I assume) you intended, it's a bit weak in comparison to the rest of the lyric.

Perhaps to avoid similarity with my change above, 'Each in a separate way.'

Good luck on the next rewrite.

-Alexx

Thank you very much,

More good observations for me to delve.

Dan Gray

Thank you Sheryl,

I'll try to explain. When people argue or fight, sometime it is said that 'they've had their differences' I intended to use this connotation to show how hard it can be to have two people close to you at odds with each other. I was using this alternate meaning for differences as a play on the expected definition of them being Different. I like plays on words and meanings, double or multiple entendre, or twists of multiple meanings of words and phrases. I sometimes will pack too much of this into underlying meaning or body of the lyric, and effectively seem to lose impact of one, straight message. I'm sorry if my doing this has caused confusion.

This presents me with another viewpoint from which to look at the lyric. Thank you for the questions.

Dan Gray

(Snip)

Uh oh...you know what they say...when we have to explain. ; ) I sure hope you don't take offense easy, Daniel, and this is just one opinion remember. Having read your explanation, and your second rewrite now too, thinking maybe there is just too much going on. I do understand all of the lyrical tools you're trying to utilize here, and honestly, I love and appreciate them when they work. You kind of hit the nail on the head with your 'pack too much' thought, it really is, at least for me, enough for several songs. For this to work, your listener will need to *get it* first time around, or they're gonna go 'Huh?' Well...not everyone, but anyone who really pays attention to lyrics. I'm wondering if you toss it right out there in your opening lines, 'My friend and lover don't like one another', or something to give us a better idea where we're heading. Then you need to stick to your storyline, clean it up so there's not all these other confusing side roads to get lost down. Save 'em for another song. Also, if I haven't totally alienated you already with this, maybe 'Differences 'tween friends and lovers'? Know you want the double entendre kept intact. Anyway, I won't be here tomorrow to nitpick anymore, (can hear that sigh of relief) but I really do think this is a seldom touched, if not unique idea, and would just like to see it shine. Dig it out of the clutter. Good luck! Sherryl

When people argue or fight, sometime it is said that

Sheryl,

I really do appreciate your taking the time to be candid with me. You have not alienated me in any way. Rather you have given me good reason to reconsider what I was attempting to do, or more precisely, the WAY I was trying to go about it. You honor me by taking the time to be so patient in your explanations. Besides, on objective reflection, I just have to admit that you very well may be right.

Back to the neurological grinder.

Dan Gray

LOL You are very kind, Dan. In the light of day I think my suggestion looks pretty stupid. :^) But I do think something that has a cue word in it about a possible affair would certainly help the listener.