lyric: Danny

Please share your thoughts/comments/suggestions on this lyric:

JWL,

Very interesting ! I had to read it through a few times to feel I had really caught on to the gist of the tale. I enjoyed the imagery, and seem to get a Steely Dan kind of vibe from it. Lines three and four took a bit of figuring out, ( I think I'm slow), but line seven helped fill in the picture. Meter seems very good to me. Well constructed, no excess words to wade through. Rhymes are simple (some over used / cliché?) yet appropriate and don't feel forced. I'm wondering if it wants a little more, needs a little more telling to finish the tale, (very subjective there, and may well be a moot comment). Overall, I'd have to say I like it. and feel I've learned from the reading of it. Thanks for sharing it.

Dan Gray

Hi JWL, This has me at the edge of my seat wondering what it could be !! Is it a bong or a body part. I really like the suspense and the trepidation. The only thing I didnt quite get was the line about forenzics being 'mine' . It seems like the story would twist at that point but doesnt. I am not sure if the first person is admitting guilt on danny's behalf or what. Nonetheless, very very fresh, original, and suspensefully creepy.

Mark

Thanks for the feedback, and thanks Daniel as well. You know, the forenzics line always made sense to me and I never really evaluated it but you make a good point. I love the way it sings (I will post some pre-demos soon including this probably) and the suspense it brings. I wanted there to be a pointer to the fact a crime has been committed in the first part of the song, and to point to the degree of closeness between the narrator and Danny (close enough that it might have been the narrator's if it wasn't Danny's). But now that I look at it again, I'm not sure how well it accomplishes those things or if it throws more kinks in the gears than it takes out...

I had thought of replacing the bridge with a flashback of somekind that might actually reveal what is going on here (I too am curious what the secret is, haven't totally decided myself!). But I like the mystery of it too...

my current idea there is that these two are brothers, thier pa was a drunk who beat them, his prized pistol dissappeared for a few weeks and he gave the boys hell, then he showed up with a hole in his head floating in a boat on the lake. police never found the pistol but assumed it was on the bottom of the lake, and that this was a suicide (Pa was broke and widowed). the narrator was the younger brother and too young at the time to put together the pieces. but of course he would have shot his pa himself if he had the nerve. Danny, however, not trusting anyone, hid the pistol in various places and eventually perminantly under his mattress. the secret though could be both the pistol and/or guilt.

but as to how to boil the important bits of this into a manageable, rhymed, rhythmic lyric i so far haven't got anything!

but if this where the story then 'if it wheren't for forenzics it might have been mine' (which is the proper wording for the lyric, got it wrong typing it out here 'would've', that was an older version) could mean:

if i hadn't been afraid the police would have been able to find out, i would have shot Pa myself and the guilt would be mine

if it hadn't been for the failure of forenzic methods to work out that Danny did this, then maybe Danny'd be behind bars and I'd have inherited the gun or something to that effect ....

Anyway, I've given away to much. But there are several other ways I imagine this story going too...

Would a new bridge with this part of the story help?

snip

No

David F. Cox

I think the chorus referring to the shelf actually gives a strong sense that the two characters are close since they both know about the shelf. Dont worry too much about that forenzics line. It does make one think about a crime. I had just mentioned it because it made my head turn sideways for a minute. But I dont think it takes anything away from the story. And I dont know if any secrets should be revealed later but that is up to you. I like the idea of the secret being kept as that is what the story is