Old song for critique

Here is a song I wrote many years back that is kind of 'cute' but a fair amount of hubris and maybe even more cheesy. My wife always tells me its a great song but she is not the best critic for me to listen to. The melody is very nice and if you guys want I can put up an old cut of it.

The reason I'm posting it is I finally worked out a few problems I've had with it previously.

But is this just too cheesy? Would anyone publish this? What genre? Would people compare it to 'In the year 2525' (honestly I didn't know about this song until recently)?

Ok, potential....

not sure what you're getting at with this...'tries to remind himself' ? remind himself what the words are? how about using 'find for' instead of remind thw line 'it was written on a sunday recored on a monday' doesnt do much for me, although it has internal rhyme and appears to have been constructed for that purpose, it really doesn't convey anything usefull, or constructive to the story.

This someone has it doesnt he?

Oh, ok a story about an archeologist in the future...OK.

'they remembers it'...they remember it?

seems weak to me

Ok, intersting leap, seems sort of fifties sci-fi ish...

how does his flying to 'be by himself' help him 'remember' its pitch and tmbre? one hell of classic song there what?...is this someone also of the musico-archeoligical bent? pithc and timbre...a bit of a forced stretch for a rhyme...remember and timbre...I like that, but it's still a stretch.

except him....Damn good equipment too !

'hes the only an' ?

Why? and is that fact important to this story? how about 'as music dies'

I like the idea of time jumps...but to be truthful this feels like a cuted attempt to re-invent a vehicle that stands as a classic.

Zaeger and Evans I think did beat you to the punch by a few years. Who knows, another approach or use of the vehicle might work, keep trying. I have to say that this one just didn't live up. Sorry.

For what it's worth, I've found that songs about songs are like poetry about poetry. There tends to be a narower scope of viable audiences for it, and they tend to be harder to please, and more critical of the product. These can however be very fun to compose, and intellectually stimulating to us as we do so, sometimes even in small ways cathartic. Most of them are by nature reminiscent of cheese, or at least have an aire of triteness about them. Somehow they can become cherished as heartfelt intellectual children, while being snubbed as brats by our neighbors.

Dan Gray

Definitely cute, and I like it.

Seems to me it would work just as well to stop at 'it's been far too long'. Could also work with 'days' instead of years - it might give it a more plausible timeline. A little tag line might be cool, too, about how even a song doesn't live forever, something self-deprecating might be cute (to give the lie to any possible hubris), like: 'And you can only expect so much from a song.' :^)

It doesn't look like something commercial to me at all, but then I'm not the one who picks the songs. With the right background, it might be a novelty song for something like Dr. Demento.

Fun song

JWL,

I was no waste of time in any way. I appreciate the opportunity to have experienced it. I've learned things in the process, about anothers way of writing, and about myself.

Thank you for posting.

Dan Gray